Sitting by the Fire with Donald Miller

Christmas this year just doesn't have the same feeling it usually does. I will spend tomorrow and Christmas Day with my 'new' family but my family is gone. The house is too quiet. We celebrated Christmas two weekends ago and it was great. Now, I just keep seeing statii (my designated plural for status) about everyone spending time with family. I'm not really in the mood right now. Am I having a little bit of a pity party? Probably. I've come to grips with that. I've looked several times online to find last minute flights so maybe I could be with my family. No such luck. Christmas time = permission to jack up prices.

In the meantime, I'm nestled on the couch by the fire with Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz. Tonight though, I'm reading his book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years.
I'm not quite halfway through the book and find the timing oddly coincidental. From the moment I finished the Author's Note, I knew this book would change things some how. Change me. The premise of the book keeps circling back to this statement: "The truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won't make a story meaningful, then it won't make a life meaningful either."

As a society, we spend so much time working. We focus so much on the money we need for bills or the money we want for the hottest new electronic. We forget that these are not the things that make life meaningful. When we read a book or watch a movie, we don't want to see someone working all the time in order to make the next mortgage payment. We want to fall in love with the characters, see them face conflict head on and watch them celebrate in the end. Our hearts break. Our eyes fill with tears. Our mouths let out cries of victory at the end of the films with which we are engrossed.

But are we taking the steps to have these moments in our own lives? If our lives were movies, how would we feel if the credits rolled at this very moment? Would we walk away feeling like the $10 we just spent was wasted?

This year, 2009, has been one of unbelievable changes for me. December 31st, when the credits roll for 2009, I will walk away feeling like I got a multi-Oscar award winning film at a dollar movie theatre.
So as I sit here tonight with Donald Miller and the glowing embers of a once brilliant fire, I am brought out of my self-pity. I move forward in quiet reflection and begin to think about the things that will make up my next story, the next role I will play and the next year's worth of stories to tell others. Because every year, on December 31st (and eventually on my last day when the credits really do roll), I want to feel like everyone I know got their money's worth to be part of this story.

My prayer is that you all have that same feeling.

#20

WEAR A BATHING SUIT AND FEEL GOOD IN IT

So... I may not have been able to wear a bikini and look like the girls in Sports Illustrated - Swimsuit Edition. I did realize what it meant to wear a bathing suit and feel good in it.

First off, whether you are a size 2 or 20, spend the money to get a good quality bathing suit that is flattering to YOUR figure. I can tell you right now that those cute little string bikinis with the triangle tops are NOT flattering on me. I am not a tiny girl. In fact, I'm a little top heavy. All those little bathing suits do is show way more of the girls than should be seen by anyone except my future husband and make me realize that I am NOT a Victoria's Secret model.

What self-respecting woman would subject herself to that?! Definitely not me.

More than anything though, feeling good in a bathing suit is about feeling good about who you are. Being confident with the body that God gave you and saying "Hey, I'm a REAL woman. I eat three squares a day. I haven't shopped in the Juniors section of a store since I was a freshman in high school. I am happy with who I am." It is that attitude right there that makes a woman sexy. Not the clothes (or lack thereof).

If you aren't happy with where you are physically, then do something about it.Not because you feel the pressure of the airbrushed society we live in. Get yourself to a place where you feel healthy, vibrant, energetic and confident. Because confidence is attractive to everybody!

TASK #20 ... COMPLETED

(Below): With my step-brother, Reuben before we swam with sharks at Typhoon Lagoon (ooh. That should have been a bonus!)

#21

SEND OUT CHRISTMAS CARDS

I never would have thought when making this list in January that the Christmas cards I was sending out would also be "Save the Dates" for my wedding. WOW! Talk about full circle.

I remember imagining my Christmas cards as being some photo taken of me and the kids at some point in the fall. Definitely NOT the professional engagement photos with me, the kids, and my fiance. It seriously blows my mind! Can you tell?

I'm pretty excited because I've never sent Christmas cards in my life. My parents may have sent some when I was younger. If they did, I do not remember being a part of the process (e.g. no family photo taken, no placing of stamps or licking of envelopes).

Figuring out together which photos to choose, the layout of the photo card and the wording wasn't that stressful either. I love that we are a part of everything. We don't have just ONE person in charge of things. Each of us tend to take charge of certain things but we always run it by the other. True partners. :)


TASK #21 ... COMPLETED 12/2

#97

GO STAR GAZING

I had resolved myself to the fact that I wasn't going to get to star gaze as it was beginning to get a bit cold. And after all the rain in October this month, I DEFINITELY figured this would be a big fat fail. Jason's original idea for his proposal was to take me star gazing at Little Mulberry Park (my little piece of heaven on Earth).

Turns out his proposal was even better since it was at the location of our first purposeful hangout. :)

My parents came in town for my birthday. This night, we asked my parents if they would "watch" the kids after bedtime so we could sneak off for a little bit. We grabbed a couple of blankets and headed to an undisclosed location. Armed with hats, gloves and jackets, we laid in the pitch black to see the stars in all their glory. We even caught a glimpse of a shooting star. I can't remember what wish I made but right now, honestly, it feels like any wish I could have possibly made has already come true.

TASK #97 ... COMPLETED 10/24

BONUS!!!!

For the last six months or so, I have been thinking about one thing that I didn't put on my list for fear of ridicule or misunderstanding. It was highly debated among the committee (me, myself and I) whether #100 on the list should be "Fall in love".

For the longest time, I felt as though I would never find someone who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. The last four years it seems I have been surrounded by couples who were unfaithful or simply bored after 20, 30, even 40 years of marriage! It's not that the desire wasn't there. I just wasn't sure that I would find it. So it was fitting that "Fall in love" was a HUGE risk for me. I figured I would just keep "Fall in love" on my list of 100 things until the day it actually happened. And boy, would that be a great post. I didn't want people to think I put it on my list in an effort to force myself to fall in love. And I didn't want to explain myself every time it came up in conversation. So I left it off the list. Looking back, it seems like I should have gone with my instinct and kept it at #100. Hindsight is always 20/20 though, isn't it?

By now, you've probably read enough of this blog to know a great deal about my story. You know about some of my deepest hurts growing up and through my divorce. You've read some of my journeys to become unafraid. You've read my journey over the last several months about how my friend, J, became my boyfriend, my best friend and truly the love of my life. I remember my uncle telling me once in response to my question, "How do you know when someone is THE ONE?" that "You just know, Ana. You just know." That was in 2000. Nine years later, I can say with confidence, "I just know". But... I digress. You are probably wondering (some of you already know) what the BONUS is. It starts with ...

The very first time J and I hung out intentionally, just us, as friends, was a random night when he was having a craving for ice cream. We met at the Ben & Jerry's by my house and swung on the swings outside of it while we enjoyed our ice cream and talked... about everything. That was about this time last year (Nov. 2008).

Fast forward to Monday, October 12th. J was on his way back in town from a work trip and we had a date planned for Little Mulberry Park and hopefully, stargazing (trying to cross more off of my list). The weather has been pretty crappy and it was cold and wet that day and quickly turning into night by the time we got back up to Gwinnett from the airport. I had mentioned being in the mood for sushi so J asked if I just wanted to go to Green Tea (a sushi place by Ben & Jerry's) and swing on the swings. Of course, we had to get some ice cream first. Dessert before dinner? Heck yeah!

We grabbed the ice cream and got on the swings. Just like we did last year. He confessed that it was that night when he first began struggling with liking me. (I don't know what the struggle could possibly have been. I'm a catch. haha) After that, he mentioned a lady he spoke to at the airport and a cool story she told him...

The story begins with her husband's parents.

On their 25th wedding anniversary, the wife gave the husband a ring. A nice men's ring with a blue sapphire in it. The husband was grateful and thought the ring was nice but he was a guy. And guy's don't wear jewelry. So the ring sat off to the side until a couple of years later. The couple's son was turning sixteen. The father passed that ring off to his son and the son had the same thought. "This is a nice ring but I'm a guy. And guy's don't wear jewelry." So once again, the ring sat off to the side. Until the day a few years later when the son met and fell in love with a girl (the lady J was talking to at the airport).

Now, it's the 1950's. The son is in the Navy and fears he will get shipped out. He doesn't want to marry this girl and risk going to war and not coming back. So he takes the ring that his father gave him and gives it to the girl with the promise that he will marry her when he gets out of the military a couple years later. Well, the couple can't wait. They get married within the year. The son replaces "the ring" with a proper engagement ring and once again "the ring" gets set off to the side.

Until the day, more than 50 years later, when a young gentleman expresses his desire to marry their granddaughter. He wants to know whether there is a ring in the family that has an special meaning or story because he knows their granddaughter will appreciate that much more than a random ring bought at the store. So they think about this ring. This ring that has been set aside for all these years. The ring they thought over the years of turning into a necklace. So they take the blue sapphire stone out of the ring. Get it placed into an engagement setting, give it to the young man to give to their granddaughter and it looks like this...

I looked over at J. And he had a box opened with a ring in it. A ring with a blue star sapphire as the center stone. And he got down on one knee on the cold wet ground and asked me to marry him!

And it clicked. The son and the girl he fell in love with were my grandparents. The lady in the airport was my grandma talking to J on the phone giving him all the details so he wouldn't forget the story when he told me. After I cried, and said 'Yes', he told me one more thing...

"Your grandma told me when you were a little girl that you always used to sit on your grandpa's lap and ask him if he would wait for you, so you could marry him when you grew up. Now, you have an engagement ring from him."

It never seemed possible to love someone as much as I love J. What seemed even less possible than that was loving someone who loved me just as much and didn't have a problem showing it. It took four years that seemed so long but now, they seem to have passed by so quickly. I constantly see the signs along the way where the Lord was leading J to me and me to J. It was difficult at times to follow His lead but I'm glad I did it. And THAT'S how I "just know".

J~

It was a great day when I said "Yes" and I am SO looking forward to saying "I do."

I love you ... more than all the seconds I had to wait for God to bring us together!

#45

DECORATE A WALL WITH PICTURES FRIENDS HAVE TAKEN

I originally sent out an email to people I knew took pictures I would like to see on my wall. After sifting through about 20 or so, I narrowed it down to seven that I wanted to hang up. It wasn't until I was shopping for the frames that I realized 4 of the pictures were taken by J. Two were taken by Lauren and the last one was one I took while taking a road trip to see the sunrise at the beach. I know it's not one that a friend took but I already had six others and this picture is one of my favorites anyway.

It is also the one picture on the wall that is a great reminder. The day I saw the sunrise on Tybee Island I had this unbelievable feeling of awe. The camera caught a glimpse of the beauty I got to experience that day. Whenever I look at the picture, I am reminded of it but can never quite get it back. It is a reminder that just looking at the pictures on the wall will never give me the experience I would get from being there.

I don't want to look at these pictures though and fantasize about what it would be like. The pictures should be motivation to save up and ship out. There is too much to experience in this life to just be okay with the community I live in. This summer I will get to make my first international trip. Details are not nailed down yet but I am so excited to take some more pictures of my own. Some more reminders of the awe I felt that day on Tybee.

TASK #45 ... COMPLETED 9/10

#68

RIDE IN A CONVERTIBLE WITH THE TOP DOWN

This weekend, I flew with J to Peoria (affectionately referred to P'town by J and his friends). It was my first trip there and first time meeting J's friend, Nuwan. A wonderful man with a brilliant English accent and a sweet BMW Z5 convertible.

I had been looking forward to this week for awhile knowing I was not only going to cross this off my list but I was going to be able to do it in such a sweet ride.

Our original plan was not just to cross this off the list. We traveled to this tiny little town in Illinois to celebrate the engagement of J's friend, Nuwan, to his fiancee, Niyati. I got to meet a bunch of friends that I had heard a ton about but now I finally got to put names and faces together. (And have been to P'town another time since Nuwan & Niyati's engagement party)

Nuwan and Niyati are getting married in December with two awesome celebrations in India and Sri Lanka, where they are from. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to make that trek but I know that J is SUPER excited to celebrate with them.

Congratulations, Nuwan and Niyati!!

TASK #68 ... COMPLETED 8/29

#58

SHOOT THE HOOCH

So we were running a little short on time for tubing down the Chattahoochee River. J and I took the kids. We thought it was a great day for tubing ... and so did everyone else. There were parts where the river was peaceful and we had room to breathe. I would say that it was quiet but Katy and Ty were yakking the WHOLE time (what can I say? they come by it honestly).

I'm sitting here THREE MONTHS after the fact and keep thinking about one thing. At some point, we were slightly separated from each other (not far, but not clinging onto each others tubes). The kids were behind us a bit so I don't know exactly what happened but I remember turning around to see Tyler out of his tube. His flip flop off and Katy starting to drift further away. I could see that Ty was scared and my heart began to pulse a little quicker than normal. He could swim but the water wasn't still and people were bumping into him. SERIOUSLY?!

It's not hard to see a 5 year old in the water. At least a handful of people bumped into Tyler and me, all the while Katy is floating further down stream. What seemed like forever was only a matter of moments. I heard Katy calling for me and shouted back "Grab onto a rock!". I looked at J who was trying to figure out how to help and just shouted "Get the girl." hahaha...

I was able to retrieve Tyler but the flip flop was long gone. Katy held onto a rock not far down the river until J got to her. She was so brave!

From that point, we were interlocked the rest of the way down the river with no major trauma to be heard of. That is of course until I get a therapy bill 10 years from now.


TASK #58 ... COMPLETED 8/22

#89

JUMP ON A TRAMPOLINE


I had SO much fun the night I jumped on the trampoline. J and I (with the kids) 'babysat' for a wonderful couple so they could go out on a date. J sent them to the Brickstore in Decatur (mmm....mmm...good). What a great family! They have a set of twin boys in middle school (little gentlemen) and a little girl the same age as mine (such a little doll). We all had a water balloon/hose fight, ate Papa John's pizza & ice cream sundaes. I love watching all of them jump (including J). They had no fear and enjoyed every minute of it.

True to form, there was something else that was on my mind when it came to jumping on a trampoline. There was a message at church that made me think about it. So, think about the movement on a trampoline as our movement in life. We have our ups and downs. Easy enough to see that comparison, right? BUT... have you ever thought about the momentum you build in the ups and downs? The harder you land on the trampoline the more momentum you gain on the upswing. Just like life...

Sometimes (perhaps all the time), God uses those low points in our lives to grow us up bigger and better than before. We just have to make the choice to trust in Him to get us through it. The lowest time of my life has become the greatest turn around in my life. I spent four years going through the process of my divorce and recovery and ultimately, God used it to bring me to Him (and closer still every day). I spent so many days and nights beating myself up about the dissolution of my marriage. But, there are so many things along the way when I see that He was in constant pursuit of me.

Dec. 2005 - Aug 2006
Unknowingly being given the name of a divorce attorney who is also a believer
That very same attorney in no uncertain terms telling me that I needed to "get [my] butt in church"

Aug 2006
Being assigned as a mentor at work to a teacher (my friend, Lauren) who just finished a 2-year mission trip in Bosnia
Unknowingly attending the very same church where Lauren was attending which sparked...
Lauren becoming MY mentor as I became more interested in Christ and what a relationship with Him looked like

Oct 2006
After months of hoping for the divorce to be done by my birthday (so I could begin the healing process), I signed the papers on Oct. 26th 2006 (two days before my birthday)

Oct 2006 - Aug 2007
Joining a single moms' small group and being encouraged to join DivorceCare when the small groups went on a summer hiatus
Coming to the realization (with the help of one particular DivorceCare video) that God forgave me and turned the ugliness of my divorce into my chance at redemption

Aug 2007
Finally deciding that I was going to get baptised

Feb 2008
Getting baptised on February 17th

April 2008
After months of hoping I could get in the same room to talk to my ex and try to explain that I didn't hate him, God presented a bit of turmoil in our family that gave him no other way to deal with it other than to be in the same room. A few quiet moments alone just happened accidentally and I feel that God pushed me from there. That was the breakthrough in our relationship. When we began to communicate a little better. I couldn't understand why we would have to deal with what we did until He told me 'see. you got him in the same room with you. you got to tell him how you feel.'

July 2008
Receiving a clear indication from the Lord (after reading a secular book on dating) that He didn't want me to worry about dating anymore. "Just live your life. I'll bring him to you."

January 2009
Starting this list. Facing some long held fears. Figuring out what I enjoy doing and growing spiritually through the process of doing the list and blogging the list.

March 2009 - today...
Beginning to date, J. A good friend of mine. Someone who was brought into my life just like God said. Who has encouraged me since I've known him. Who has been patient with me when I get frustrated, made me laugh when I get sad and made me feel safe when I get scared. Who has become my very best friend. The absolute love of my life... And we really haven't even started the adventure yet.


There's noone who can tell me that isn't a HUGE bounceback.


TASK #89 ... COMPLETED 8/21

#84

WRITE A LETTER TO MYSELF

Sometimes it is in the midst of a low point in our life (actually, I take that back) ... It is always in the midst of a low point in our lives that the Lord does his best work on us. I mean, what better way to bring us back to Him than when we are totally broken before Him on our knees weeping.

There have been many times throughout my life when the enemy has tried to make me feel like I am less than. It was through reading the book "Captivating" by John & Stasi Eldredge that I came to some amazing realizations. Here's the gist of it ... God created Adam (man) to represent the essence of His strength. Eve (woman) to represent the essence of His beauty. We (women) have been given many gifts by God but none more hated by the enemy than our ability to give life. After all, satan loves death and destruction and we threaten that with our very existence.

It was after a very rough day and some (ok, a lot of!) consoling by Lauren that I opened my journal and just started writing. Pouring out whatever words ended up on the paper. It was the 'me' that truly knows my worth in Christ who was talking to the 'me' that gets confused still because demons from the past try to bring me back to places in my life where I didn't feel loved by anyone, let alone feel the Love of Christ.

I am not posting this because I think it's amazing. It just seems like what I should do.

"You look at yourself as if you are the only one who hurts. Your heartaches are open wounds and you think something is wrong with you for that. You all too easily lose sight of the Love you have. You fall all too suddenly into old pits. You are loved by the Most High God and you still act as though you are not enough. You were created in His image and you STILL don't feel worthy enough? You are the essence of His beauty. You have uniquely feminine strength. You are a giver of life and you STILL think you have nothing to offer? How can you look in the mirror at His beautiful creation and just toss His love aside when it stares you straight in the face? Have you not heard that His love is unfailing? Have you not felt the grace of His Son's blood? Have you not seen the miracles He has worked in your life?

Kneel down. Arms outstretched. Cry out, broken before Him. When even your mother won't listen, your Father will comfort. His love will envelope you. Calm your mind. Rest your heart. Have no fear of being weary. He will have you soaring in no time. Trust Him with your heart when you feel it isn't safe with anyone else. Trust Him to protect you. Be obedient and be blessed.

You are safe in His arms. Let Him love you like noone else can."


TASK #84 ... COMPLETED 8/12

#11

GO TO A PLAY

Do you ever have those moments when you look back at things that you enjoyed as a kid and think "WOW. My parents let me watch that?!" or "What on earth was I thinking?"

I've had moments like that when I watched Grease. I mean... look at the lyrics to the song 'Greased Lightning'.



I went with Kristin to see Grease at the Fabulous Fox Theatre and found myself conflicted at times. Grease was one of my favorite movies growing up. Mostly, I had a difficult time with the ending.



This is the way I see it...

Danny and Sandy meet the summer before. They have no preconceived notions about the clique that either one may be a part of. There are no labels on each of them. They meet, hang out together and probably even like each other.



At the risk of seeming like a pansy, Danny talks about this girl he really liked as though she meant nothing to him at all. Realizes that she is now attending the same school where he goes. THEN, ignores her. Again, at the risk of being made fun of by his friends. Umm... What a ___?!?!



To top it off... By the end of the movie, Sandy has changed everything about herself just so she can please him (don't forget about Danny's crazy stint as a jock in order to get her). What are we saying here?! How long could that facade actually last?! Is it going to be 20 years down the road when she finally says, 'Danny, I never liked any of this stuff'?



It just makes me think about alot of people I see. Maybe it's because I've already been through a time when I was trying to be someone I wasn't, thinking I was happy (or eventually would be) and then realizing ultimately that I was a hollow shell of the woman I used to be. Our youth is trained (almost brainwashed) into believing they aren't complete until they are in a relationship. How about being complete before you ever enter a relationship!?! THAT will land you in a relationship that could stand the test of time. Don't you think you deserve that?


TASK #11 ... COMPLETED 8/16

#8

GRADUATE

This part of my list was a LONG time coming. The desire to further my education and get an advanced degree began even before my divorce. One thing that has been difficult about writing this post is because I wasn't quite sure how to describe the importance of this accomplishment without possibly speaking ill of someone. This blog isn't to put down others but for me to see all the ways the Lord has lifted me up.

I guess the best way for me to do this is to simply say that pursuing my Master's degree was discouraged due to time and money. Those of you closest to me know the depth of that statement and I'll just leave it at that.

I made the decision to finally apply for the graduate school at Piedmont College in October 2005. Classes started January 2006. In the midst of much bitterness and taking over the Relay for Life team at the school where I teach, I worked on my Master's. After what seemed like the LONGEST 16 months of my life, I graduated in May 2007 and immediately entered graduate school through the University of Florida College of Education. After all, I wanted to be able to take care of my two children all on my own - emotionally, spiritually, physically and mostly, financially. I remember telling people that I didn't want to be dependent on anyone else to support us. I wanted to try to do it all on my own.

There was a point in time when getting a Master's seemed impossible let alone getting my Specialist. It took just about 3 and 1/2 years to finally get it done but I did it. Not by my own strength and energy - that's for sure. Along the way, I received the help and encouragement of many friends. It feels weird now to not be consumed by anything other than my children once I get home. Through those years, it became habit to leave work at work so I could concentrate on graduate work when I went home. That habit seems to be a great one to stick with.

I leave school everyday with my keys and my phone. Because when I go home, I want to be HOME. It's not enough for me to just be physically present. I need to be physically involved when I am home. There is only so much time for me to lay the ground work for my children that they so desperately need when they become adults. I don't want to lose one precious moment anymore.

TASK #8 ... COMPLETED 7/27

#71

SHOOT A GUN

I remember the day my dad came home from the police academy with his gun. I was in the 8th grade. He took all the bullets out of the gun. Let my brother and I hold it and squeeze the trigger. Of course, nothing happened. He told us to let him know whenever we wanted to look at the gun because he would let us. That was the only time I ever went near it.

The next time I ever held a gun I was about 18 years old. My friend, Beth, was going with her dad (who was a police officer) to the range and she asked if I wanted to come along. If I remember correctly, I shot a .22 Luger and a 9mm. I don't remember how far the target was but I do know that I did a pretty bang up job (pun intended). ;)

When I was a kid, I wanted to be in the FBI. Then, I found out I had to carry a gun. umm... nope! This is a fear that has built up over the years. It took a bit before I had the courage to take the first shot when J took me to the range. I didn't flinch (or even kill anybody) but I was done! I was sweating profusely. There was more fear in me than when I went on the motorcycle ride.

I tried another shot a few minutes later and felt the same way. One of the wonderful things about J is his ability to give me just enough space but still push me gently enough to a point where I am willing to try things again. He asked if I wanted to try to shoot an entire magazine. Unwilling to cross this off my list after just shooting a gun twice, I took him up on it. I took my time on each shot. Aimed in the head and chest and unloaded the entire magazine. The 0.40 cal still sent a little jolt with every discharge but I felt much more comfortable and the fear slowly subsided. We even played a few 'games' to see who could shoot in a more closely knit grouping or closest to one of the numbers on the target. The only thing to worry about after was the soreness in my right shoulder. There's no guarantee that I'll try everything I'm afraid of (although doing this list is making me more open to it). One thing I do know is that beating J one time in a 'game' we played definitely makes me want to go back to the range and do it again. ;)
.....
It dawned on me that it hasn't been a fear of guns that I have had my entire life. It was the fear of something I didn't understand or have enough knowledge about. Look at the course of history (in the world or your own life). What were you so afraid of? Could you pick out something that you feared simply because you lacked knowledge of it? Or did you just rely on someone else's information without doing your own research? They say ignorance is bliss. This is so far from the truth! In our ignorance, we are scammed and cheated. In our ignorance, we allow people with too much power to become corrupt because their accountability (us) is blissfully at peace with their lives. In our ignorance, we become slaves without even knowing it.They might say that Ignorance is bliss. but Knowledge is Power.

TASK #71 .. COMPLETED 8/1

#44, #53, and #79

GO ON A ROADTRIP TO SEE THE SUNRISE AT THE BEACH

BUILD A SANDCASTLE

STAY UP FOR 24 HOURS

This adventure came on a whim. I was telling JIvey how I had some stuff to do on the list before the summer was over. She needed to see the sunrise also and said, "Let's go do that this week." Huh? Me? Do something spontaneous like that? No way. Now, some people would argue with the spontaneity of the trip since we didn't just pack up and leave but I think I'm going to disagree. When it comes to making decisions, I think everything to death and then still have a tendency to default to someone else for input. It's a bad habit, I know.

JIvey also asked another friend, Amanda if she wanted to go. She's more spontaneous than us so it wasn't a surprise that she joined us. JIvey and Amanda had a meeting at church Thursday night so I met them there. After making sure we had all of our stuff together, we went to a Waffle House close to I-85. We stayed there from about 9:30 - midnight and then headed on the road. Since my list said that I had to go on a roadtrip to see the sunrise, we tried to plan the trip just right. We wanted to get there in time AND try to avoid paying the cost for a hotel. I mean, I had to stay awake for 24 hours (NOT a smart idea for a road trip, by the way). The whole trip was about 4 hours or so. We had a riot. By 4am, we were deliriously hysterical. Between a pirate patch, water gun and cheeto fangs, we could have been mistaken for being under the influence. There are definitely pictures around that I'm hoping do not see the light of day (hint, hint, JIvey).

...

I didn't build the sandcastle until after the sunrise but I wanted to wait to talk about the sunrise. It was shocking to discover how absolutely ridiculous I felt when I was building the sand castle. The feeling only lasted for a little while but I realized how much more fun it is to actually build a sand castle with someone ... preferably kids. It looked horrible at first. After spending some time on it, it really started to come together. (hmm, certainly some sort of lesson to be had there. but I'm going to press on). It was not something that would be competitive in a sandcastle building contest but a couple of passersby took pictures.

Now for the sunrise... I really don't know if I have the words to describe the feelings I had when I watched the sunrise... It was inspiring and beautiful and I felt so at peace watching it. The pictures can't even capture HALF of its beauty.

It's been about three weeks now since we went to Tybee to see the sunrise but I was just talking to my 'kids' at Stage12 about it the other day. The lesson was about trusting in what you can't see (God) based on what you can see (all that He created). We talked about how everything somehow connects back to something God created. I'm not sure how the flow of the conversation went but I remember telling a young girl Elissa how wonderful it was that God had the whole sky to paint. And that's exactly what I saw that day on Tybee. We can paint a picture on a billboard if we want to but anything we do will never compare to the awe and wonder of a God who can paint the sky.

I am so looking forward to having that experience again. {sigh} :)

TASKS #44, #53 AND #79 ... COMPLETED 7/24

#25

REFLECT ON MY GREATEST WEAKNESS AND SEE HOW IT'S MY GREATEST STRENGTH.
This is by far the most difficult one to share. Maybe it will help me prepare for #95 (write a poem and read it aloud to an audience). I thought I would just post what I wrote in my journal tonight (with some inclusions and exclusions I need to make for clarity's sake)...

"My goodness! This one has been so difficult. Over the course of a couple of months, I have tried so hard to figure which weakness is my greatest strength and I feel like all I have done is focus on a variety of weaknesses. I finally decided that Kristin might be able to see a little more clearly. After all, she's known me longer than anyone else in Georgia has known me. It was well over an hour long conversation - which is a miracle since she has an 8-yr old, an 18-month old and a 36-year old. ;) (not to mention she is 7 1/2 mos. pregnant).
It wasn't difficult for her to point out the fact that my passion is one of my greatest strengths. I only see how it's one of my greatest weaknesses. There were alot of things we discussed throughout that conversation but a couple of comments really stuck out. I'm going to make myself a little (alright, alot) vulnerable here but I feel like it's necessary.

First, I recalled a time when Kristin said, "Ana, you have so much love to give and you didn't have anyone who was wanting to receive it." Second, she responded in a similar fashion when I made a comment about how I sometimes feel like I'm always the one "getting" and feel like I never have anything to give. I sometimes feel like other people are getting the "short end of the stick". (If it sounds like I'm being a little vague with these, it's because I am. All appropriate parties will understand this.) She quickly reminded me how she easily can see what I have to give. I could sense a little frustration in her voice as she told me. Not in a "for crying out loud, Ana!don't be stupid." way. More like "Why can't you see in yourself what others see?" kind of way.

She said something to the effect of "... to be so lucky as to be loved the way you love someone." And through processing with her, it hit me. God gave me this as a gift.

I am a passionate woman. I get excited over the silliest little things. I cry over what seems like nothing at all. My heart swells at the smallest act of kindness and it breaks over tiny hurts (even those that are not my own). I tend to take on other's hurts and mistakes and I always feel like I need to fix everything. It is not uncommon for me to get on my soapbox and rant with such fervor it would make grown men run to their mommas. (well, maybe not THAT bad but hopefully you get the idea). I know that God has given me the gift to love so deeply and so passionately because it is part of His purpose for me. It is so I can share His love with others who don't know Him. It is by no mistake that I have the ability to love this intensely. The only mistake would be for me to hold back and not use it for His glory.

So for anyone who comes across my path, watch out! There's alot of love headed your way!! :)"


TASK #25 ... COMPLETED 7/21

#22

LEARN TO MAKE AN ETHNIC DISH

One of my faults is always thinking I'm doing or have done something wrong. This trait is pretty prevalent when it comes to cooking (especially cooking something new).

Seriously, how pathetic is it that the first thing I say when I put a dish down is, "tell me what it's missing." I guess it's a defense mechanism. Maybe the sting won't be as bad if I already say that there's something wrong with it. I have this crazy idea that I have to be good at EVERYTHING the first time I do it and I'm not great at taking criticism. Deadly combination, I know.

What I need to do is learn to take advantage of the opportunities that mistakes afford me.
What I need to do is stop saying, "Tell me what it's missing."
What I need to do is start by saying something positive like "I hope you enjoy it" or "Bon Appetit" or "I hope you don't die" ;)







TASK #22 ... COMPLETED 7/7

#99

CATCH A FIREFLY

After my friend, Jessica, crossed this off of her list, a little fire was lit underneath me to get it done as well. After all, you really only see fireflies on warm nights and the end of summer is quickly approaching. I remember trying to figure out how (and where) I was going to get this done. Turns out, I didn't have to do any planning.

So I just had a thought. And it still continues to amaze me how God has revealed things to me through this list. I mean, here it is... 16 days AFTER I caught the firefly when I am finally getting around to posting on the blog and something that happened today just hit me while I am writing this. I had a whole other story posted but I'm feeling like this is a bit more important. So here we go...

Today (7/21), I had the opportunity to have lunch with four amazing young ladies who I have either taught or met through friends who I had the privilege to teach. We had some wonderful Greek food and sat on the steps of the gazebo at the Historic Courthouse in Downtown Lawrenceville. After catching up on summer plans and back to school plans the discussion moved to faith. Questions we had and things we have come to learn.

It's amazing how encouraged I get in my walk by talking to these young ladies. The reason why I bring this up is because the topic came up about 'best laid plans'. I was trying to devise plans to catch a firefly and God just did it His way. Isn't that always the case? We try so hard sometimes to keep things the way we want them. We spend countless hours until we have our life completely figured out. And then, God throws us a perfectly executed curveball. Reflecting on where I am in my life right now and where I thought I would be as a 30-year old woman... I am amazed. My life is nowhere near perfect. I still get sad and cry (more than I'd like to admit). Through all the bumps, bruises and broken hearts, I have never felt more loved - and overwhelmed by it - in my life.

He didn't always give me what I wanted but He always gave me what I needed.
Turns out, what I needed was what I always wanted but never knew it.
(Try saying THAT three times real fast) :)

TASK #99 ... COMPLETED 7/5

#12

MAKE A FUNKY CAKE (TEDDY GRAHAMS @ THE POOL)

This turned out to be a whole lot harder than I thought. It took me three times (third time's the charm, right?) to make this stinking cake. First, I didn't let the Jell-O chill long enough so the liquid went straight through the cake making a big puddle. Next, the cake fell apart when I took it out of the cake pan. FINALLY... I let the Jell-O chill and it came out great. The Jell-O thickened a little too much so the pool looked like it had waves in it but it still looked pretty darn good if I do say so myself. (And I do!) This picture is just of the pool with the graham cracker diving board.

It was so much fun to step out of the conventional cake baking and try something new. I might have failed (twice) but you only truly fail if you quit! (I can't take credit for that one. It's part of a quotation on a poster I have in my classroom.)

It was a hit at housechurch. Next time, I'm going to get fruit roll ups or fruit by the foot to make beach towels! AND... get little paper umbrellas. Do I have any volunteers for the next one? :)

TASK #12 ... COMPLETED 7/5

#87

JUMP IN A POOL WITH ALL MY CLOTHES ON

It had been the plan for awhile to complete this task at Jason's parents' house. I did have the opportunity beforehand (when I went off the diving board and did the flip) but I was excited about Jason's mom, Kim, being able to be a part of this. I think she was too. :)

This task wasn't about conquering any fears though. It was about just doing something silly for the sake of doing it. At what point does being an adult mean cutting out all of the silliness in your life? I wish I knew because I would have grabbed my shoulders, shook the crap out of myself and said, "You have such little time here on this Earth. God wants you to fulfill His purpose for you while you are here but having fun while you do it will make others want to be a part of it, too. Now...stop being lame and get your fun on."

TASK #87 ... COMPLETED 7/4

#60

HIT A GOLF BALL 50 YARDS

As much as I hate to admit this, I get frustrated easily. I want to be good at everything the first time I try it. It's something that I just need to come to grips with.

Things take time and definitely anything that is worthwhile. It's that whole instant gratification thing. Having everything ... yesterday.

Jason wanted to go to the driving range and knew it was on my list so he asked me if I wanted to go. Heck yeah! I had already tried (and failed) twice at crossing #12 (make a funky cake) off my list and it was the one thing that kept me from being half way done by the end of June.

It didn't take long before I hit the golf ball 50 yards but I couldn't do it consistently. Some of my shots were down right atrocious. I think one of the comments was "Well, at least you got it off the platform." Ugh!

He was patient and tried to give me tips. And I couldn't understand why golf is called "A Gentleman's Game." I wanted to be anything BUT a gentleman (well, a lady). A whole rainbow of words was rattling around in my head - and a few that escaped my lips. There were a few times where I just said, "That's it. I'm done."

Of course, a few minutes after I cooled off I was ready to go again. Finally, Jason realized that I wasn't turning my hips on the backswing. As soon as I did that, I was hitting everything. Not perfectly and not 200 yards but I was consistently hitting the ball. It felt great. I wasn't a lost cause. I just needed a little tweaking.

TASK #60 ... COMPLETED 7/3 OFFICIALLY HALFWAY DONE WITH THE LIST!! :)

#69

CLIMB A TREE

Somewhere over the years, I became afraid of heights. It's not the going up that scares me. It's the looking down. At times, I have had a slight feeling of vertigo.

Today, I took the kids to Little Mulberry Park. That park is one of my favorite places. It's so quiet and a couple parts of the park have an overlook where you can see a long skyline of Gwinnett County. There's one spot in particular that would be a beautiful place to have a late picnic and then just sit on a blanket to watch the sunset. I haven't tested this theory yet but the idea just makes me smile.


The kids and I walked around to look for a good climbing tree. I saw a couple that might be okay to climb. After getting a few feet off the ground, I realized I had nowhere to go and hadn't climbed near enough to cross it off my list. This happened twice. My daughter wanted to give up at that point and go on the playground but I was determined. I "asked" her, as only a mom does, if we could try a little bit longer. And that's when we found it. A tree growing out of the ground at just the right angle and with just the right amount of branches for support.

By this point, the kids (yes, my daughter included) were excited to find a tree to climb and decided to try it for themselves. I tried to remind them to pay attention on the way up - and mostly on the way down. That is actually the worst part: coming down. You've already climbed the tree and just head closer to the ground without paying attention. Falling off this tree would have posed some seriously problems. Just below the branch where we sat was a tiny ravine of sorts with rocks and broken tree limbs in it. A hospital trip if I ever saw one.

The best part of this whole thing was to see the enthusiasm my children had in climbing the tree. They were a bit hesitant at first but seeing me try to climb the other two trees may have let them know that it was okay. It's such a clear indicator that they react based on my reactions. Being afraid like I have been for all of their lives has only given them (my little girl mostly) an inherent fear of things before even trying them. No bueno.


TASK #69 ... COMPLETED 7/2

#67

PAINT A PICTURE

Before picking up the kids from their grandparents today, I tried to make my funky cake (#12 on the list). I poured the Jell-O into what would eventually be the pool and the pool had a leak. Usually, I would be completely frustrated. At having to start over. At having to purchase cake mix and Jell-O again. At having failed. Not this morning. Maybe that patience I've been praying for is finally kicking in. Lord knows I've had plenty of opportunity to practice being patient.


So, I cleaned up the mess (which fortunately was contained onto the curved plate where the cake sat) and decided to paint a picture. When my mom was visiting back in May, she bought me an "Acrylic Painting for Dummies" kit from Wallie World (aka Wal-Mart). It was so calming to paint. Even though this picture isn't perfect (by my standards anyway), I really enjoyed the quiet mindless time. Now, I just have to get over the fact that these aren't perfect circles. Darn this OCD...

My kids saw the picture when they got home from their Mema and Papa's house and my little girl loved it. She wanted to paint a picture of her own. And after my little boy played on the keyboard for a little bit, he joined in as well. Such awesome teachable moments. He couldn't find the green paint so we mixed a couple of colors together and ... VOILA! green. We experimented a little more and learned:


red + blue = purple
red + yellow = orange
yellow + blue = green
red + white = pink



It was awesome. When we were making green, I started out with blue and then added yellow. We didn't quite get the color we wanted so I asked him, "what do we do?" He enthusiastically replied, "Add more yellow!" This is what learning should look like.



TASK #67 ... COMPLETED 7/2

#62

LEARN TO SAY ______ IN SPANISH (TBD)

It was back in April when I was told that English just isn't good at conveying meaning sometimes. The example went something like this:

buona notte bella - Italian
boa noite linda - Portuguese
Buenas noches bella - Spanish
Good night beautiful - English

If you've ever heard someone speak the other three languages (even better to have heard those phrases exactly), you may have melted a little bit. I know I do. There's just something choppy and blunt about English while other languages just seem to roll off the tongue and send shivers up your spine.

I spent three years in high school taking Spanish. I remember a good bit and can decipher things still if I can pick out the key words and figure out the context. On a daily basis, you will hear me say "no bueno". A student of mine taught me some things last school year but none of them really seemed worthy of checking off my list.

So what finally worked? "Te amo con todo mi corazón." I love you with all of my heart.

I don't know that it was necessarily this particular phrase that seemed worthy as much as that conversation back in April. The one problem with all this is that I know I will need a ton of practice in order to make this phrase sound as romantic as someone who speaks Spanish well. I guess I better get started.

TASK #62 ... COMPLETED 7/1

# 31, #19 and #93

MAKE A POTTERY PROJECT ... GO TO A MUSEUM ... MAKE HOMEMADE ICE CREAM


I took the kids to The Painted Potter. My lil' guy wanted nothing to do with it (for awhile anyway). He finally decided that he wanted to paint a baseball piggy bank. It's brown. All over. Definitely not my creative child.

My girl was ALL over it. She picked out a cup that had crowns on either side of it. She wanted it to be colored like the Georgia Bulldogs and New Orleans Saints. This was not as relaxing as I had hoped it would be (the kids grew frustrated and impatient at times especially when the projects was not turning out the way they had hoped). I would say that I would go back again but painting pottery is freaking expensive.


After The Painted Potter, we headed to the Fernbank Museum. It reminded me a little bit of Jurassic Park. Especially when we first walked in to see a HUGE dinosaur set up in the atrium and walked down a curvy set of stairs. Fernbank is a beautiful building and it has martinis & imax on Friday nights. I definitely want to try that out. The special exhibit of dinosaurs was amazing. They had a miniature replica of a T-Rex that was set up so that it was walking. At another station, a touch screen monitor allowed museum visitors to manipulate different factors (like mass and center of gravity) on a T-Rex to see how fast the ferocious dinosaur would run at that rate. Remember in Jurassic Park where the T-Rex was able to keep up with the Jeep? According to this, it is not possible for T-Rexs to have run that quick.




The best part was the Sensing Nature exhibit. The kids got hands-on with different stations, most of which were optical illusions. Their favorite parts was making the huge bubbles. They were so excited. I tried to take advantage of the time to teach them why the different things worked but they were so overstimulated that their attention span was about 30 seconds at each station.




After Fernbank, we met Emily for some yummy pizza at Brickhouse. We tried to grab a pizza from Fellini's on our way back from the museum but the time it took to wait for it wasn't worth the traffic we were going to hit if we did wait. Then, it was off to Kroger to get our ingredients for our homemade ice cream. It didn't turn out perfect but my little girl said, "Dang, this IS good." So I guess the presentation doesn't really matter then.

Three things off the list in one day but still a little short of 50 done by the end of June. :/ Just gotta keep on keepin' on. :)

TASKS #31, #19 AND #93 ... COMPLETED 6/30

#7 and #90

DIVE OFF A DIVING BOARD AND DO A FRONT FLIP INTO A POOL

I'll be honest with you (like I haven't spilled my guts already on this blog). I'm a chicken ... and lame. Who is afraid of diving off of a diving board? Really?!

I have no idea when the shift happened. At some point, we change from children to adults and stop doing silly things just for the joy of it. We start becoming afraid of things that make no sense to be afraid of.

I went to a birthday party with the kids today for a 5-year old little girl I've known since ... well, since her mom was pregnant with her. We went through the entire party (swimming, pinata, flip flop decorating, cake and presents) before her mom said, "Well, Ana. When are we going to do this?"


There is no time like the present and ... (lean in a little. there you go. we're almost half way done with the year and i'm not even half way done with my list so i'm motivated by the possibility of failure).

Between my children and another little girl who was there (an 8-yr old), I got a couple of lessons on flips and guitars (I think my son made that one up). How many of these posts have been taking place with children teaching me something? Hmmm...

The dive wasn't so bad. I was a teeny tiny bit nervous about being up and out of the water but dove in. Had it been a test I probably would have passed with flying colors.

The flip was a little different. I mean, I've actually executed a good dive in my life. I have NEVER had the guts to try a flip. Not that today's flip was any good BUT that's not what the list is about right? I got a little nervous and took up the 8-year old's suggestion of having her show me (we'll pretend I wasn't procrastinating). I finally did it. I held my nose (which I have since been advised was NOT the best way to execute the flip) and went for it. It wasn't so bad. I landed mostly on my back but it didn't sting. The worst part was that my bottoms fell off. Not completely down around my ankles but enough that if one of the kids had their goggles on under the water they would potentially need counseling... for life!

Just to make sure I could actually do it again and not just get over my fear long enough for one time, I went up on the board again to dive AND do the flip. Sure enough my freaking bottoms fell again! Maybe my list next year will include "Do a front flip into a pool without my bottoms falling off". Yeah. I think that's a good one to add.


TASK #7 AND #90 ... COMPLETED 6/28

#16

CAMPOUT IN THE BACKYARD WITH THE KIDS

My friend, Kim, let me borrow her two-room tent. She said that the instructions weren't in there but it was color coded so I should be fine. Only thing is that I've never pitched a tent by myself before.


I decided to put the tent up around 6:30 just in case I had a lot of trouble with it. It wasn't so bad. About 30 minutes later and no fits to be had I had the tent up and ready. Not to brag (but I will anyway), I was pretty impressed with myself for getting the tent up without help.

I found my daughter's Cinderella air mattress/sleeping bag combo and my older-than-dirt air mattress. We blew them up with the hair dryer, got a light blanket and pillows, and brought them into the tent. When we got out there, there were a ton of ants crawling over the little overhang and around the sides of the tent. I figured I must have pitched the tent on top of their ant hill but none of them seemed to be inside so we were all good.

The kids were so excited. My little boy wanted to finish his dinner so he put his slice of pizza in a ziploc bag, stuffed some Goldfish crackers in another bag and then started bringing plates out into the tent! I was on the phone at the time and had I not been paying attention, he may have set up shop for an entire 5-course meal.

By the time we got settled in, it was close to 9pm and the kids were still wide awake. We took goofy pictures with my camera, sang a couple of songs, told a story, just goofed off. Even though I was hot and they were wanting to crawl all over me, I loved every minute of it. They never complained.


Somehow in the middle of the night, my little boy got flipped around so his feet were perfectly aligned with my face. I woke up once just in time to catch his feet as they flew toward my nose. The other three times I wasn't so lucky. Despite the flying feet and the air mattress that wasn't quite strong enough for my butt, I slept all right. Of course, I woke up at 6:30. I know, some of you are playing tiny violins for me right now but you don't get up at 5:00 every morning during the school year. I've got sleep-in hours banked up! :)

Off to break down the 'campsite'.

TASK #16 ... COMPLETED 6/24